the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
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If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling