[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
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Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.