date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
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I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that