Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
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“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.