One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
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CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?