One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
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i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?