I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
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DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
How to find Kentucky on a map
Sing it!
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.