[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
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this is what they would have looked like, though
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Don’t tell me what to do
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower