Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
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Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you