[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
You Might Also Like
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Whoa… oh I see lol
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.