Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
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2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Good morning y’all ☀️
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
This kid will have a bright future.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
this article brought to you by lions
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord