If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
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My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way