Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
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Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
dam girl
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.