comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
You Might Also Like
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Ironic
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
#FunnyLife Insects
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.