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If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Stop making fast and furious movies.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop