I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
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The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Going into Monday like