Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
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If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat