If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
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90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Goat cheese is for herders.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Welcome to the stomach
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.