Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
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Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows