Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
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According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Cats (2019)
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.