I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
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I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
When someone says you are so lazy
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall