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A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.