if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
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Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.