“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
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Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips