[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
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The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.