me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
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Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Happy Febuary everyone!
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice