If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
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Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
back to work
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”