Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
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Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?