Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
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boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body