Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
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Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
podcasts
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.