ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
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No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat