Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
You Might Also Like
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.