When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
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Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Pandas 🐼🖤
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
uh oh
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.