[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
You Might Also Like
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Breaking news:
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
me irl
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.