2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
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Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?