COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
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FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Bike for sale
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.