Ha.
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“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in