*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
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[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Stick it to the man
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
the short answer to this question
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road