Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
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Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.