“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
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dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
*3.5 thank you very much.
Twitter remains undefeated
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS