🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
You Might Also Like
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Usage Guidelines
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.