Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
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“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?