Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
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[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.