Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
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When a shoelace touches your ankle
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Yup
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.