Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
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“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
some cats are just doing for fun!
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.