Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
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Not today, today.
Not today.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer