Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
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My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
This one’s “Alex”.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.