[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
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What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”