Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
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My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.