If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
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[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal